Take Two Aspirin And...: The Doctor Is In...

WebMD doesn't  have info on your ailment?  Not enough time or insurance coverage for a visit to a flesh and blood doctor?  No problem.

Dr. R. Musings is here for you with the AZBlogRadioM.D. radio show.  The phones are now open.

...The first caller is Dave from Fountain Hills. 

Dr. Musings: Hi Dave, what are your symptoms?

Dave from Fountain Hills: Doctor, I've got this stiff neck and a headache, and I'm having trouble sleeping.

Dr. Musings:  OK, Dave.  What have you been doing recently?

Dave:  Well, recently I've been sleeping in my office at work...

Dr. Musings:  If you've been sleeping on a couch, that could certainly contribute to your symptoms.

Dave:  At first, I thought that too, but I've been doing that since the beginning of the year and the problem just popped up this week.

Dr. Musings:  Hmmm.  What has happened this week?

Dave: Well, this meddlesome watchdog group has been calling for an investigation of my sleeping arrangements and wants me to pay taxes on the benefit I am receiving from the use of my office as a hotel room.

Dr. Musings:  Stress from that could certainly contribute to your symptoms.

Dave:  I thought that too, but I've been planning to sleep in my office since even before I was in the office and am kind of immune to the objections of the little people, and anyway, let's face facts - I'm a Republicans, so the rules don't apply to me anyway.

Dr. Musings:  OK, so what else did you do this week?

Dave: Well, on Thursday, I was at the White House having my picture taken with the President as he signed a bill naming a new federal courthouse after Judge John Roll, one of the victims of the mass shooting in Tucson in early January.  It was funded by economic stimulus funds.

Dr. Musings: Uh-huh....

Dave: After that, I went back to my hotel room...errrrr...*office* and pumped out a press release, criticizing the stimulus package as a complete failure...

Dr. Musings: Stop right there.  It's obvious that you are suffering from a strong case of whiplash.  Take two aspirin, wear a foam neck collar, and for at least the next four weeks, no twisting yourself like a pretzel to pat yourself on the back while stabbing public employees, women, and poor people in the back.

Dave: I'll have nothing to do for a whole month?!? [muffled cursing]  Doctor, that will put a serious crimp in my fundraising for the 2012 election cycle.

Dr. Musings:  I know it will be difficult, but better that than getting so twisted up you need surgery.

Dave:  Surgery?!?!?

Dr. Musings:  Cranio-rectal dislodgement surgery.

Dave:  What?  Would that really be necessary?

Dr. Musings:  Well, to be honest, that's only a recommendation, not a necessity.  Many of your colleagues live long and profitable, though not very productive, lives with their craniums firmly lodged in their rectums.  The condition makes driving more difficult, but as an Arizona driver, nobody will notice any thing out of the norm.

Dave:  Whew!  My lobbyists....errr....constituents need me to be at full speed.  Thank you Doctor!  I don't know what I'd do without you.    Tell you what, I'm going propose a bill declaring that we replace that socialist Medicare program with cards with your phone number on them.  Anyway, thanks again Doc!  Gotta go foreclose on....errrr...."meet with" a constituent.

Dr. Musings: Umm, OK Dave.  Glad to help.  Next caller.  Jack from Surprise, are you there?

Jack from Surprise: Doctor, I've been experiencing this stinging sensation on the top of my head since Tuesday.

Dr. Musings:  What happened on Tuesday?

Jack:  One of my strike-everything amendments was heard in committee in the Arizona House of Representatives.

Dr. Musings:  Oh?  How did that go?

Jack:  Not well, Doctor.  It was this harmless little idea to mess with Indian tribes to keep them from opening a casino near my district while messing with cities and towns' state-shared revenue, and NOBODY supported it.  Industry opposed it, the Center for Arizona Theocracy Policy opposed it, the Attorney General opposed it, members of the committee picked on me, even the committee chair, my seatmate, opposed it.  Even some uppity wiseass blogger from Scottsdale opposed it.  It was unanimously voted down.  That NEVER happens.  I'm so embarrassed, Doctor.  It's as if even my fellow crazy Republicans think that I'm too crazy for the legislature.

Dr. Musings:  Jack, you are clearly suffering from the after effects of a total smackdown.

Jack: Oh.  What do I do for that, Doctor?

Dr. Musings: Take two aspirin.  After that, pull out a jar of peanut butter, at least 16 ounces, and a full box of saltine crackers, and eat them.  Don't drink anything while you are doing this.

Jack:  But...but...but, Doctor, if I do that, I won't be able to speak!

Dr. Musings:  That's kind of the point Jack.  Thank you for your call.  Next caller, you're up.  Ron from Lake Havasu, are you there?

Ron from Lake Havasu:  Hi Doctor Musings.  Yes, I am.

Dr. Musings:  How can I help you today, Ron?

Ron:  Well Doctor, for the last few weeks, I've had this burning sensation in my throat and a rumbling sensation in my stomach.

Dr. Musings:  What's been going on in your life for the last few weeks?

Ron:  It started when I tried to ram through a couple of anti-birthright citizenship bills in my own committee.  The bills are part of my plan to rid the country of those sneaky children who were born here but whose parents were not.  My committee, my own freakin' committee!, heard nearly 90 minutes worth of testimony from some ringer I had schlepped in for just this occasion, but then I had to pull the bills before a vote because I was stabbed in the back by some of my own fellow Republicans.  They were so worried about looking bad over attacking children that they wimped out, citing Constitutional concerns.  ARRGGGHHH!

Dr. Musings:  Go on, Ron.

Ron:  Then this past week, I got screwed over twice.  First I couldn't get another anti-immigrant bill through my committee, one that would turn hospitals into immigration checkpoints, and had to pull that one too.  The next day, my "birther" bill, which would have required presidential candidates to produce paperwork that doesn't even exist for most of them, was actually defeated but traitorous Republicans and and wussy Democrats who were more concerned with not violating the U.S. Constitution than with keeping a black man out of the White House.

Dr. Musings: Hmmm....  OK Ron.  It seems as if you are suffering from a severe case of ego-initiated acid indigestion, brought on by abject failure.

Ron:  Sounds bad, Doc.  What is the treatment?

Dr. Musings: Take two aspirin, drink a bottle of Pepto, and try again.  There's no salve for failure that's more effective than success.

Ron:  Doc, I can do that.  On Tuesday, Senate Appropriations will meet and consider my bills.  For good measure, there are going to be a LOT more bad bills on the agenda, just to serve as a warning to backsliders - no more wimpy protestations about "the Constitution" or other crap.  Wonder if they'll let me fly my Confederate flag over the Capitol on Tuesday...

Dr. Musings:  On that rather bizarre note, we are out of time and have to go for now.  Thank you callers.  Thank you listeners.  Tune into our next show where we interview a follicly-challenged Senate President about treatments for male pattern baldness.

Talk to you all next week!  Dr. R. Musings, for AZBlogRadioM.D., signing out.

John McCain hired by The Daily Show*

*OK, not really, but they did introduce a puppet that is so incredibly life-like it could be a clone...

Tedski at Rum, Romanism, and Rebellion already has this, but it's too funny not to post it here, too.

Photo courtesy TPM.

From the accompanying article, which includes video -

After the 112th Congress convened yesterday, Jon Stewart celebrated his pick for the Senate's grumpiest member: Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)


"McCain's old-man crankiness has gone off the charts," Stewart said last night. "On the scale, he's clearly gone from a man of wisdom all the way to full Gran Torino."

By the way, no matter what some may think, that's not a rude gesture in the pic.  Jon Stewart asked McCain/the puppet how many homes he has.  It's not the right answer, but at least it's better than his previous answer of "I don't know".

Arizona: Finally #1, I think...

While we are the worst, or one of the worst, states in terms of our support for education (depending what metric is used), and are near the bottom in many other areas - poverty, children without health insurance, percentage of Arizonans who are incarcerated (where a higher number is bad), etc. - as far as a can tell, we are number one in one area.

We seem to be the first state with a lawsuit over 2012 redistricting!!  We beat even Texas*!!  Whoooo hooooo!!!!

{Wiping away tears of joy} I'm so proud...


* = To be fair to Texas, they're still cleaning up after the last redistricting process.  I'm sure once they can focus on the present, they'll be back hard at work, screwing up their future.

Over/Under

I'm not a betting man, and I'm most definitely not a bookie, but there are a few things that are all but certain to happen in the near future.  The only real question is "how much?", "how many?" or "when?".

The following is for entertainment purposes only - no betting allowed.

...Percentage of the new Republican members of Congress who survive redistricting to win a second term?  75 percent.

...Percentage of the new Republican members of Congress who will face an investigation, indictment or an outright perp walk by the end of a second term?  15 percent (hey, when you elect a bunch of people who thing public service is a dirty, even contemptible, business, many will use that belief to rationalize being dirty and contemptible themselves).

...How long before failed tea party Senate candidate Christine "I am not a witch" O'Donnell appears on "Dancing With The Stars"?  1.5 years.

...How long before "Tea Party Senate President-Elect Russell Pearce" changes the dress code at the Capitol to require members of the Senate to wear sheets and hoods during floor sessions and committee hearings?  2 weeks into the session.

...How long before failed tea party Senate candidate Christine "I am not a witch" O'Donnell receives an offer to appear in the pages of Playboy?  2.5 years.

...How long before Jan Brewer, citing health concerns, resigns from office, leaving Ken Bennett as Arizona's governor?  3 years.

...How long before failed tea party Senate candidate Christine "I am not a witch" O'Donnell *accepts* the offer to appear in the pages of Playboy?  3.5 years.

...How long before there is a widespread grassroots movement supporting a new law to requre registration and licencing of broomsticks?  3.01 years.

...How long before Russell Pearce bursts out in laughter before killing any bill creating such a law and muttering something about the free market taking care of the problem by offering access to petroleum jelly for those who can pay?  3.02 years.


Anybody want to add their own?

KVOA getting ready for next week's elections...

They've put up some "test" returns for Arizona House races on their website, and didn't pull down the test before I noticed it.

Heh heh heh heh, time for a little fun (and it is just fun - they've got Ds winning in districts that are R locks, and Rs winning in D districts.  In other words, these are just numbers serving as space fillers, not reality or even predictions of reality)...

Highlights -

District 4

103 of 103 precincts - 100 percent
x-Judy Burges, GOP (i) 36,972 - 45 percent
x-Karina Guerrero, Dem 32,864 - 40 percent
Jack Harper, GOP 12,324 - 15 percent
2 to be elected.

No more Jack Harper?  Fingers (and toes) crossed for the future of LD4 and the state...

District 11

83 of 83 precincts - 100 percent
x-Eric Meyer, Dem (i) 23,522 - 45 percent
x-Eric West, GOP 20,908 - 40 percent
Kate Brophy McGee, GOP 7,840 - 15 percent

If there is any justice in the world, this one, with Eric Meyer winning, will become reality in a week.  It would annoy the hell out of some industry groups, too, as they've dropped a lot of cash on McGee.

District 17

69 of 69 precincts - 100 percent
x-Ed Ableser, Dem (i) 17,611 - 43 percent
x-Ben Arredondo, Dem 16,201 - 40 percent
Donald Hawker, GOP 1,823 - 5 percent
Cristian Dumitrescu, Lib 1,709 - 4 percent
Damian Trabel, Lib 1,603 - 4 percent
Gregor Knauer, Grn 1,555 - 4 percent

This is my home district, and this result would definitely work for me...

District 19

65 of 65 precincts - 100 percent
x-Kirk Adams, GOP (i) 24,674 - 45 percent
x-Kit Filbey, Dem 21,933 - 40 percent
Justin Olson, GOP 8,224 - 15 percent
2 to be elected.

Won't happen, but this would be nice.  It would be nicer still if Adams was the R who came in third.

District 20

59 of 59 precincts - 100 percent
x-Rae Waters, Dem (i) 22,657 - 45 percent
x-Bob Robson, GOP 20,138 - 40 percent
Jeff Dial, GOP 7,552 - 15 percent
2 to be elected.

As with Meyer above, in a truly just world Waters would win this one in a walk.

Latest adventures of Schweikert and the voter

This is a parody of David Schweikert and the tea party platform (Obama/Pelosi BAD!  Corporate tax cuts GOOD!)

Pic of the cycle...

Just in time for both Halloween and next Tuesday's election.

Emailed from a friend in Tempe...

Funny, but painfully true, video parody of David Schweikert and the Tea Party platform

A new video is up on YouTube.  It's definitely worth a chuckle, especially if you're watching the CD5 race.

Or have to deal with another tea party candidate ("Obama, Obama, Obama! Pelosi, Pelosi, Pelosi!" - priceless!  :) )

Got some good news, got some bad news

OK, for some it's "bad news, good news"...

...Good news for the Schweikert campaign - this is his third campaign for Congress, and Jackass 3D was #1 at the box office this weekend.  Sequels had some strength this weekend.

...Bad news for the Schweikert campaign - the election wasn't this weekend.


...Bad news for the Ken Bennett campaign - setting up an office in the basement of a lobbyist's office doesn't look good for a candidate for an office that is supposed to be all about integrity.

...Good news for Bennett - He's already set up his desk for his post-election job.


...Bad news for Ben "Tater Tot" Quayle in CD3 - a new poll shows him *behind* Democrat Jon Hulburd in the Republican-leaning district.

...Good news for Quayle - if he goes on to lose the race (and since his "unfavorables" are above 50%, that's a strong possibility), he should remember that the son of another famous politician lost his first campaign, a campaign for Congress.  When George H.W. Bush tried to buy a seat in Congress for his son George W., the future "worst president ever" failed miserably to win what should have been a "safe" seat for any credible R candidate. 

...Of course, that good news for Quayle isn't good news for the rest of us.


...Good news for the Brewer campaign - she's found a way to move attention away from concerns about her health and her ability to serve a full term in the Governor's office..

...Bad news for the Brewer campaign - that way involves irritating voters by hiding from them, decreasing the chance that after the election, she will have the opportunity to serve a full term.

Pic courtesy the Terry Goddard for Governor Facebook page...

At least she was consistent all day - she blew off senior voters during the day, and educators and students during the evening.

In case anyone has did forget

New pic of the day...hell...new pic for the next two months -

Anyone wanna start a pool?

Giddy from this week's passage of the anti-immigrant police state bill and today's passage of the birther bill, one of the loons in the lege - perhaps "old guard" loons such as Pearce, Gould, or Harper, or perhaps new guard hatchlings like Antenori, Seel, or Montenegro - will have the bright idea of swearing out a complaint against President Obama under the new anti-immigrant law.

God knows Arpaio would trip over himself trying to get to the airport to serve such a complaint the next time the President visits Arizona. Of course, he wouldn't be worried about tripping, as long as there were TV cameras around.

The pool could be people predicting the time that elapses from the moment the bills become law until a complaint is filed, and who will be out in front of it.

Whaddya think?

:)


Note - To all nativist-friendly law enforcement officers/officials/agencies: The above is a metaphor only, used to make a political point. No actual wagering will take place as a result of the above proposal.

The AZ Lege in a cartoon

From Full Frontal Nerdity (thanks for the heads-up from friend who emailed it to me) -















The strip is almost a year and a half old, but it easily could be drawn today, with the Arizona Legislature as its inspiration.

Did Fox News break some actual news?*

*- It has to be "actual" news, since FNC could *never* be wrong...right? LOL







Who knew that good ol' JD was part of the "T" part of the LGBT community?

Just remember...

...there's only 356 shopping days until Christmas - 357 if you consider Circle K and the like to be viable shopping venues... :))

Ya know what I love about campaign season? Campaign ads.

Particularly satirical ones.

It's amazing what a Google search turns up - fourth on the list of items found with search terms: "Eric Wnuck" and posted on the internet in the last week -



FYI - there's a difference between "shameless copying," which is what the Wnuck campaign did when they posted their own spot last week, one that copied a spot from the Bean campaign in Illinois, and legitimate parody, which this is and something that Eric Wnuck opened himself up for.

FYI2 - I don't know who created the above parody, but given the nature of some of the lines used and the fact that it is, ya know, actually funny, I'm guessing that it is a Democrat.

For sale: One Mucuous Factory

Has an established record of efficient handling of periods of high productivity and then idling or producing minimal output for weeks or even months at a time. It is currently running at full capacity 24 hours per day.

The output housing of this facility was handsomely designed in the Mediterranean tradition of architecture and epitomizes one of the hallmarks of that tradition - distinguished utility. It operates smoothly while lookin' gooood. :)

Buy for now, because this is the perfect season for this facility. Now is the right time to acquire and have a robust mucous production operation at the ready during a period of peak demand across the state and across the country.

Buy for later, because even after this season passes, there will be the next season. Save yourself hassles and have this turnkey operation at the ready to meet spot demand when pollen or particulate matter counts rise or to meet sustained demand when flu and cold season returns.

All reasonable offers considered; serious inquiries only.


In normal years, I would be seriously whining right about now, but a mere head cold beats the flu, no matter how miserable that cold may make me.

Later...

Betrayed.

There's no other word for it. Civilized Americans have been betrayed by the U.S. House of Representatives.

Earlier today, the House, by a 386 -17 vote, will 11 voting "present", passed H. Res. 893, congratulating....God, it hurts so much to put this in writing...the Evil Empire New York Yankees on their winning the 2009 World Series over the Philadelphia Phillies.

And the worst part of it all? The entire Arizona delegation voted for the resolution, with Democrats Ed Pastor (CD4) and Raul Grijalva (CD7) going so far as to sign on as cosponsors of the resolution.

It was no shock that Flake, Franks, and Shadegg supported the bill - they're Republicans. "Supporting Evil Empires" is a standard GOP campaign plank. Witness their "no" votes on H.R. 3639, the Expedited CARD Reform for Consumers Act of 2009. That one sets an earlier effective date for some consumer protections regarding credit cards.

However, the fact that Kirkpatrick, Pastor, Mitchell, Grijalva, and Gifford, people who are supposed to be "good guys" (even those who aren't, ya know, *guys*) supported this abomination of a resolution is a complete betrayal of all that is good and right in Arizona, and America.

[Hangs head in shame.]

:)

One note: Pitchers and catchers report in a little over three months. Hope, and hope for redemption, springs eternal.

Utterly unprofessional...but supremely funny

This came out a couple of days ago, but it's still worth notice today.

From AZCentral.com's Political Insider (relevent sections highlighted by me) -

From California comes news of a veto letter issued Oct. 12 by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger that may have been written with a secret message for its recipient: state Assemblyman Tom Ammiano, D-San Francisco.

{snip}

To the Members of the California State Assembly:

I am returning Assembly Bill 1176 without my signature.

For some time now I have lamented the fact that major issues are overlooked while many

unnecessary bills come to me for consideration. Water reform, prison reform, and health

care are major issues my Administration has brought to the table, but the Legislature just

kicks the can down the alley.

Yet another legislative year has come and gone without the major reforms Californians

overwhelmingly deserve. In light of this, and after careful consideration, I believe it is

unnecessary to sign this measure at this time.

Sincerely,

Arnold Schwarzenegger


The bill that was the putative subject of the letter was one sponsored by Ammiano to benefit a shipyard in San Francisco, and the bill passed through both chambers of the California lege unanimously.

Schwarzenegger has denied that there was any secret message and that the alignment of the letters at the beginning of each line was just a coincidence.

However, apparently a few weeks ago Ammiano appeared on stage after Schwarzenegger at a Democratic event, and suggested that the governator "kiss [his] gay ass" for his failure to support same-sex marriage (and other issues).

Apparently, Schwarzenegger has declined Ammiano's invitation. :)

When reached for comment, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer said "That letter was utterly unprofessional, and I wish I had staffers who were clever enough to achieve that 'coincidence' in some of my letters to the Legislature. This polite and tactful stuff just isn't working out for me."*


* = This is satire. It's just a joke. Brewer never said that to me. I would never seriously accuse her of having a sense of humor or wanting to have staffers who have a sense of humor.

:)

Symington endorsement of Munger: Mystery Solved

Last Thursday, former Arizona Governor Fife Symington announced that he was giving up on the possiblility of another run for the Ninth Floor, and he was endorsing John Munger, a Tucson businessman and former chair of the AZGOP, in the Republican primary.

Some speculated that Symington's decision not to seek the GOP's nomination next year may have been related to his long-time friendship with Munger, or perhaps to the results of a poll by Public Policy Polling that showed Symington down 23 percentage points to Democratic Attorney General Terry Goddard in a hypothetical matchup.

That speculation, while citing the standard and frequently accurate reasons for a move like Symington's, was wrong.


He may not have believed he was going to be here to run next year.


The key to the mystery of Symington's motives for withdrawing from the race doesn't go back to late September and the poll results, nor do does it go back the three decades or more of his friendship with Munger.

Nope, the key to Symington's withdrawal goes back only 12 years, to 1997.

It was mid-March. Symington was still governor, not yet having been convicted on federal bank fraud charges.

The weather was beautiful, the Cactus League was in full swing, and the nighttime views were spectactular.

...Ahhhh...Central Arizona in the spring...anyway, I digress. Back to the post... :)

Aside from the usual idyllic weather conditions, something unusual happened in March of 1997 to make it especially memorable in Phoenix history.

Lights.

A series of them.

In the sky.

All witnessed by our then-governor, Fife.

At the time, many fantastic stories and explanations abounded, most centered around visitors from alien planets and the like. Those were later debunked.

In spite of that debunking, 10 years later Symington still believed that the lights were actually part of an alien spacecraft.

All of which brings us back to the present, last week to be specific.

The lights, and Symington's possible mothership, returned to Phoenix last Wednesday. They called them "flares" but we *know* that was just a cover story, don't we?

Symington spent Thursday tying up loose ends, preparing for the coming rapture (though "alien visits" frequently seem to include medical exams and rectal probes, so I'm not sure that "rapture" is the right word here :) ), certain of his ascension to a plane higher than that of the 9th Floor.

So imagine his disappointment when he woke up Friday still stuck on the Terrestrial plane, and that even his own fellow Republicans were part of the cover story.

From a press release from the House Republican caucus -

Those mysterious lights in the Southwest Arizona sky are not UFOs. They are flares being dropped in the night sky from attack aircraft onto targets below as part of a training exercise by the U.S. Air Force, which is scheduled to take place tonight at 8:00 p.m.

“We do not want the flare activity to frighten and alarm citizens,” Rep. Jerry Weiers (R-West Phoenix) said.

The next meeting of Symington and Weiers could be so frosty that Sylvia Allen will cite it when claiming that global warming is a hoax... :)

How not to write a headline - press release edition

Early last week, I signed up for the mailing list of the Arizona Department of Environmental Quality (ADEQ). I didn't expect much, but since I live in the North Indian Bend Wash Superfund site (NIBW), it's a good idea to gather info from as many sources as possible.

What I didn't expect was a bit of unintentional humor.

One of the first press releases that I received had this for a subject line -

ADEQ Director Grumbles, Host of Other Water Experts to Speak at Arizona Investment Council Water Symposium

Now, my first reaction upon reading that, wiseass that I am, was to wonder "You'd think that one of the job requirements for the head of a state agency would be the ability to enunciate clearly. I mean, he must have been able to do so at least once, at his job interview, right?"

Turns out that instead of reading the word "Grumbles" as a verb, I should have read it as a proper name.

The Director of ADEQ is named Benjamin Grumbles.

Ooops. :)

For the record, Director Grumbles probably enunciates quite clearly. According to his ADEQ bio page, he has degrees in English, Law, and Environmental Law, and worked as a Congressional committee staffer and a college instructor prior to a stint as a Bush appointee to the EPA.

In my defense, the capitalization pattern of the headline didn't really give any clues to the fact that "Grumbles" is a proper name. Any word longer than two letters was capitalized.

Of course, given Director Grumbles' educational background in English and law, and his professional background, the communications guy/intern/chief cook and bottle washer who wrote the headline has probably been advised to do something with future headlines to minimize the confusion.

Of course2, this blog post, humble though it may be, is probably the most public notice that ADEQ has received in weeks, so we may see more of this.

Note: the original press release publicized a symposium in Tucson sponsored by the Arizona Investment Council. It was held this past Friday.