Saturday, February 19, 2011

Take Two Aspirin And...: The Doctor Is In...

WebMD doesn't  have info on your ailment?  Not enough time or insurance coverage for a visit to a flesh and blood doctor?  No problem.

Dr. R. Musings is here for you with the AZBlogRadioM.D. radio show.  The phones are now open.

...The first caller is Dave from Fountain Hills. 

Dr. Musings: Hi Dave, what are your symptoms?

Dave from Fountain Hills: Doctor, I've got this stiff neck and a headache, and I'm having trouble sleeping.

Dr. Musings:  OK, Dave.  What have you been doing recently?

Dave:  Well, recently I've been sleeping in my office at work...

Dr. Musings:  If you've been sleeping on a couch, that could certainly contribute to your symptoms.

Dave:  At first, I thought that too, but I've been doing that since the beginning of the year and the problem just popped up this week.

Dr. Musings:  Hmmm.  What has happened this week?

Dave: Well, this meddlesome watchdog group has been calling for an investigation of my sleeping arrangements and wants me to pay taxes on the benefit I am receiving from the use of my office as a hotel room.

Dr. Musings:  Stress from that could certainly contribute to your symptoms.

Dave:  I thought that too, but I've been planning to sleep in my office since even before I was in the office and am kind of immune to the objections of the little people, and anyway, let's face facts - I'm a Republicans, so the rules don't apply to me anyway.

Dr. Musings:  OK, so what else did you do this week?

Dave: Well, on Thursday, I was at the White House having my picture taken with the President as he signed a bill naming a new federal courthouse after Judge John Roll, one of the victims of the mass shooting in Tucson in early January.  It was funded by economic stimulus funds.

Dr. Musings: Uh-huh....

Dave: After that, I went back to my hotel room...errrrr...*office* and pumped out a press release, criticizing the stimulus package as a complete failure...

Dr. Musings: Stop right there.  It's obvious that you are suffering from a strong case of whiplash.  Take two aspirin, wear a foam neck collar, and for at least the next four weeks, no twisting yourself like a pretzel to pat yourself on the back while stabbing public employees, women, and poor people in the back.

Dave: I'll have nothing to do for a whole month?!? [muffled cursing]  Doctor, that will put a serious crimp in my fundraising for the 2012 election cycle.

Dr. Musings:  I know it will be difficult, but better that than getting so twisted up you need surgery.

Dave:  Surgery?!?!?

Dr. Musings:  Cranio-rectal dislodgement surgery.

Dave:  What?  Would that really be necessary?

Dr. Musings:  Well, to be honest, that's only a recommendation, not a necessity.  Many of your colleagues live long and profitable, though not very productive, lives with their craniums firmly lodged in their rectums.  The condition makes driving more difficult, but as an Arizona driver, nobody will notice any thing out of the norm.

Dave:  Whew!  My lobbyists....errr....constituents need me to be at full speed.  Thank you Doctor!  I don't know what I'd do without you.    Tell you what, I'm going propose a bill declaring that we replace that socialist Medicare program with cards with your phone number on them.  Anyway, thanks again Doc!  Gotta go foreclose on....errrr...."meet with" a constituent.

Dr. Musings: Umm, OK Dave.  Glad to help.  Next caller.  Jack from Surprise, are you there?

Jack from Surprise: Doctor, I've been experiencing this stinging sensation on the top of my head since Tuesday.

Dr. Musings:  What happened on Tuesday?

Jack:  One of my strike-everything amendments was heard in committee in the Arizona House of Representatives.

Dr. Musings:  Oh?  How did that go?

Jack:  Not well, Doctor.  It was this harmless little idea to mess with Indian tribes to keep them from opening a casino near my district while messing with cities and towns' state-shared revenue, and NOBODY supported it.  Industry opposed it, the Center for Arizona Theocracy Policy opposed it, the Attorney General opposed it, members of the committee picked on me, even the committee chair, my seatmate, opposed it.  Even some uppity wiseass blogger from Scottsdale opposed it.  It was unanimously voted down.  That NEVER happens.  I'm so embarrassed, Doctor.  It's as if even my fellow crazy Republicans think that I'm too crazy for the legislature.

Dr. Musings:  Jack, you are clearly suffering from the after effects of a total smackdown.

Jack: Oh.  What do I do for that, Doctor?

Dr. Musings: Take two aspirin.  After that, pull out a jar of peanut butter, at least 16 ounces, and a full box of saltine crackers, and eat them.  Don't drink anything while you are doing this.

Jack:  But...but...but, Doctor, if I do that, I won't be able to speak!

Dr. Musings:  That's kind of the point Jack.  Thank you for your call.  Next caller, you're up.  Ron from Lake Havasu, are you there?

Ron from Lake Havasu:  Hi Doctor Musings.  Yes, I am.

Dr. Musings:  How can I help you today, Ron?

Ron:  Well Doctor, for the last few weeks, I've had this burning sensation in my throat and a rumbling sensation in my stomach.

Dr. Musings:  What's been going on in your life for the last few weeks?

Ron:  It started when I tried to ram through a couple of anti-birthright citizenship bills in my own committee.  The bills are part of my plan to rid the country of those sneaky children who were born here but whose parents were not.  My committee, my own freakin' committee!, heard nearly 90 minutes worth of testimony from some ringer I had schlepped in for just this occasion, but then I had to pull the bills before a vote because I was stabbed in the back by some of my own fellow Republicans.  They were so worried about looking bad over attacking children that they wimped out, citing Constitutional concerns.  ARRGGGHHH!

Dr. Musings:  Go on, Ron.

Ron:  Then this past week, I got screwed over twice.  First I couldn't get another anti-immigrant bill through my committee, one that would turn hospitals into immigration checkpoints, and had to pull that one too.  The next day, my "birther" bill, which would have required presidential candidates to produce paperwork that doesn't even exist for most of them, was actually defeated but traitorous Republicans and and wussy Democrats who were more concerned with not violating the U.S. Constitution than with keeping a black man out of the White House.

Dr. Musings: Hmmm....  OK Ron.  It seems as if you are suffering from a severe case of ego-initiated acid indigestion, brought on by abject failure.

Ron:  Sounds bad, Doc.  What is the treatment?

Dr. Musings: Take two aspirin, drink a bottle of Pepto, and try again.  There's no salve for failure that's more effective than success.

Ron:  Doc, I can do that.  On Tuesday, Senate Appropriations will meet and consider my bills.  For good measure, there are going to be a LOT more bad bills on the agenda, just to serve as a warning to backsliders - no more wimpy protestations about "the Constitution" or other crap.  Wonder if they'll let me fly my Confederate flag over the Capitol on Tuesday...

Dr. Musings:  On that rather bizarre note, we are out of time and have to go for now.  Thank you callers.  Thank you listeners.  Tune into our next show where we interview a follicly-challenged Senate President about treatments for male pattern baldness.

Talk to you all next week!  Dr. R. Musings, for AZBlogRadioM.D., signing out.

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