Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 01, 2014

2014 Predictions: Arizona edition

My last post was all about 2013; this one is all about 2014.

It's also all about satire, or at least I hope it is.  However, given the frequent bizarreness of politics in Arizona, anything could happen...

Inspiration, and format, shamelessly stolen "gratefully borrowed" from Eli at Deep Thought.

Note:  All of the below is satire.  I hope.



January -

- With great fanfare, the Arizona Legislature convenes its 2014 session.  Among the promises made during the opening day festivities:  that the lege will spend less time attacking public employee unions and education and more time on bringing jobs to Arizona.

The first proposal considered by the lege is a bill from State Senator Al "Slave Labor" Melvin that would have prisoners from the state's correctional system "volunteer" to work for political campaigns of statewide candidates who are former members of the Merchant Marine.

Senate President Andy Biggs tries to show that the 2014 Arizona Legislature is a "kinder, gentler" lege, run by "compassionate conservatives".

He assigns Melvin's bill to every Senate committee that Melvin isn't on.  Melvin gets the message...sort of.

He abandons the measure, but promises to keep working on the issue.

- In late January, after a meeting between him, the finance director of his faltering gubernatorial campaign and a lobbyist for a manufacturer of body armor, Melvin proposes that the state's prisoners be put to work for a private contractor, manufacturing body armor for the state's law enforcement officers.

- In other news, State Rep. Carl Seel submits a resolution expelling all of the members who voted for Medicaid restoration in 2013.  In an effort to gain Democratic votes, he offers to amend the measure to only include the Republicans who supported Medicaid.

It doesn't work.


February -

- Melvin's proposal sails through the lege on a party-line vote and is immediately signed into law by Governor Jan Brewer.  Well, "immediately" after her "advisers" meet with the same lobbyist.

- State Rep. Adam Kwasman offers a "reverse secession" proposal, that would expel the legislative districts represented by Republicans who voted for Medicaid expansion from the state of Arizona.

The measure fails when the members of Arizona's Congressional delegation point out that such a scheme would result in fewer seats in Congress for Arizona, fewer seats for state legislators to aspire to.


March -

- Quality assurance tests on the first sets of body armor produced under Melvin's proposal indicate that maaaayyybe someone didn't think through the ramifications of having the state's convicts supply body armor for the state's police officers.

The title of the report of the testing: "Paper Mache".

After production is stopped, and at the suggestion of Phoenix City Councilman Sal DiCiccio, the few complete sets of body armor are given as gifts to the heads of each public employee union in the state.

- State Rep. Bob Thorpe introduces a striker that requires all public school systems to supply body armor to their students.  When it is pointed out that school budgets won't be able to afford both body armor and books, Thorpe reminisces "my Bible and my slate were good enough when I was a child, they're good enough for today's children".

Thorpe's measure passed the lege on a party-line vote and is immediately signed by the Governor, whereupon the state and the lege are sued by nearly every parent in Arizona.


April -

- A court enjoins the new school body armor law, so the lege, desperate to be seen as doing *something* about the rash of school shootings in the US, cites the danger...to legislators...and bans school groups from visiting the state capitol.

- Thorpe tries to insert language into a budget reconciliation bill that would make it a Class 6 felony to be shot while not wearing body armor.  The effort fails when someone tries to amend the language to exempt legislators.

- The lege starts wrangling over the budget, and fears rise that the session may go on into June.  Then someone reminds them that this is an election year and that they need to get to campaigning.  With that, a budget is proposed on Monday, April 21 and passed by both chambers of the lege on Thursday, April 24.  The session wraps up in the wee hours of Friday, April 25.


May -

- Disheartened by the occasional sanity exhibited by their candidates for governor, a delegation from the "bay at the moon" caucus of the AZGOP journeys to Toronto to recruit the mayor, Rob Ford, for the race.  The delegation is made up of former state senators Lori Klein, Ron Gould, and Frank Antenori.  Ford considers the proposal, and then looks the trio straight in the eye and informs them that he may be utterly crack-addled but still isn't stupid enough to go for a job where he would have to deal with people like them on a daily basis.

On their way back into the US,  they are stopped at the border and barred from reentering the US.  The border agent read some of the proposals submitted by the threesome during their times in the lege and decided they must have been on drugs.  And based on their visit to Ford, still are.

They're thoroughly searched, even being subjected to MRIs, colonoscopies, and brain scans.  Nothing is found, except by the colonoscopies.  However, even those show nothing unexpected, just a volume of material that is almost unprecedented in the annals of human biology, and they are released.

June -

- Governor Jan Brewer finally succumbs to massive outside pressure and sends a letter to CPS head Clarence Carter requesting his resignation.

When the letter reaches the offices of CPS, it is ignored.

- Al Melvin's campaign for governor ends when it turns out that his nominating petitions were circulated by the same Abraham Lincoln he frequently quoted during the campaign.

A Lincoln that didn't exist.

All of the petitions that were signed on the back by "Honest Abe Lincoln" are thrown out, taking Melvin's signature quantity below the threshold required.


July -

- At a debate involving the Republican candidates in CD1, there's a little "I'm more conservative than thou" tit-for-tat.

Candidate Andy Tobin proposes requiring lifetime drug testing for welfare recipients, even when they no longer receive public benefits.  Fellow candidate Adam Kwasman goes for the Grover Norquist endorsement and counters by proposing that welfare recipients be decapitated.  A third candidate, Gary Kiehne, urges compromise - decapitation for welfare recipients, and lifetime drug testing for the headsmen.

Onlookers start muttering about drug testing debate participants.

- The Cardinals open training camp with a revamped team,  The Bidwills, following the example of the University of Arizona marching band, rent the defense of the Northwestern State (LA) football team.  And rent the UA marching band to serve as the offense.

- News breaks that President Barack Obama has found a cure for cancer.


August -

- The Arizona Legislature convenes in a special session to pass a resolution in support of...cancer.

- GOP operatives sue to bar people who would be disenfranchised by HB2305 from voting on the measure in November, saying that they have a conflict of interest.

The case is promptly heard by the Arizona Supreme Court, who dismiss the lawsuit with a brief opinion.

Loosely translated from the Latin:  "Thanks for a laugh, but you are morons." (It sounded more profound and professional in Latin, hence the use of Latin in the opinion)

- The results from the primary election late in the month indicate that Republican voters have ceded some of the November races:

 Tom Horne wins the nomination for Attorney General, setting up a rematch of the 2010 race against Felecia Rotellini.

 Ev Mecham is written in by a majority of Republican voters in the race for the nomination for governor.  They are expressing their disappointment over the failure of Al Melvin to make it on to the ballot.

  In CD1, "none of the above" is the choice of R voters to face incumbent Ann Kirkpatrick.


September -

- After a televised gubernatorial debate, local pundits are turned off by Democrat Fred Duval's use of complete sentences and words with more than two syllables and declare the corpse of Ev Mecham to be the victor.

They deem the silent Mecham's performance to be "Brewer-like".


October -

- Led by the R members of Arizona's Congressional delegation, the US House tries to implement a limited government shutdown that only covers the delivery of early ballots by the US Postal Service.

The scheme falls apart when it is pointed out that the Postal Service isn't actually subsidized by the federal government and can't be arbitrarily shut down for partisan gain.

The schemers pledge to keep trying.


November -

- The election results show that while the Republicans will retain their majorities in both the Arizona legislature and the US House of Representatives, those majorities will be smaller.

The day after the election, the Republicans respond to the news by sticking their fingers in their ears and shouting "LALALALALA - I can't hear you - LALALALA!!", over and over.

The day after the day after, most of the Republicans are admitted to hospitals to have surgery to dislodge their fingers from their ears.


December -

- The Cardinals go winless, and by the end of the season, fanless.  However, the Bidwills call the season a success because they lowered the team's personnel costs to near zero.

- The new GOP caucuses in both the state senate and the state house of representatives announce their mass resignation, citing the fact that the voters of Arizona overturned HB2305 in November.

The tag line of their resignation letter - "Partisan politics isn't much fun when you can't disenfranchise the people who won't vote for you".

- Clarence Carter finally resigns, but only to take a new job in a new agency - Arizona's Department of Fetal Protective Services.  He is recommended for the job by Cathi Herrod and Trent Franks.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Arizona legislature: the strike-everything amendment summed up in two words

One of the pitfalls of writing this blog and being otherwise involved with and observant of the legislative process in AZ is that one becomes familiar with the terminology used and forget that not everyone is as familiar with the terms being used.  As such, occasionally explanations are needed, and being somewhat lazy, and more than somewhat a wiseass, I am constantly on the lookout for short, funny, and effective ways of describing a political concept, process, or result.

Arizona's "strike-everything amendment" (also known as a striker) is one such concept that cries out for a pithy and snarky description. 

The striker is a process in the Arizona legislature whereby the language in a (usually) harmless measure is completely replaced by new language, (usually) turning it into something dreadful.

Also usually, the new language is from a bad bill that has died, so basically, a strike-everything amendment is taking crap from one body (or bill) and placing it into another body (or bill).

Turns out there is already a term for that, for a legitimate medical procedure -

Fecal Transplant.

And as a bonus, while the medical term and the procedure it describes is icky, it's far less icky than the reality of the Arizona legislature.

(hat tip to the Boston Globe for finding this, and to my cousin for posting a link to the Globe article on her Facebook page)

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Dear UK, we're not all rude boors.

...OK, we can be boorish, and a little rude, but that's part of being an American, and we are a little proud of that.

However, even we draw the line at treating our best friends with contempt.  Loud shirts and loud voices are one thing; gratuitous insults are quite another.

I mean, we might argue that baseball is a far superior game to cricket, and that the Three Stooges are funnier than Benny Hill ever was (we will grant that Monty Python was just sublime).  However, we would never claim that the UK is incapable of putting on a fine Olympics.

I know Mitt Romney insulted the UK, and people in the UK are justifiably upset.

For what it's worth, many, perhaps a majority, of us here in the United States have a similarly low opinion of him.  He's insulted us many times (and keep him away from your dogs).

We won't object if you mock him as much as we do.  We would offer to let you keep him for a while (a country that's been around as long as the UK *must* have some law about insulting the head of state or something like that), but we want to send him to the dustbin of electoral history during this autumn's elections, and need his presence here.

So mock him and demand an apology, but please send him back. 

Then you can have him back.  The wait will give you time to make the darkest and dankest prison in your country, well, darker and danker.

Thank you for your patience.

In friendship,

A wiseass American blogger

Sunday, June 03, 2012

Note to friends of Jack Harper: Friends don't let friends tweet without an editor, or at least spellcheck

With the adjournment of the legislature and his decision not to run for another term in the lege (or another office) this year, things have been quiet on the "Zany World of Jack Harper" front.

He isn't a regular on the local political discussion TV shows, he doesn't and won't have the platform of the state legislature, and he's adjusted his Facebook page to a generic title - "Jack Harper - state elected official".  It used to say something about "state representative" or something similar.










He's lowering his profile, perhaps in preparation for a statewide run in 2014 (in the past, he's professed an interest in a run for SOS)

Which is a little discouraging. 

I know that statement is surprising to some, but whenever I'm suffering through a bout of writer's block, he somehow finds a microphone and/or TV camera, and the writer's block vanishes.

When I noticed the lowering of his profile, I worried a little, but I needn't have fretted - he still has a Twitter feed. :))

From yesterday's feed -






Now, I'm not going to pass judgement on simple typos, having made won ore too here, but "regulatute"??

"Regulatute"???

Next up:  Harper tweets that spellcheck functions are a "socialist conspiracy" to suppress the free expression of people who revel in their ignorance.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

What's next up Russell Pearce's sleeve? Fluffy bunny slippers?

Hat tip to David Safier at Blog for Arizona for noticing this, and in turn, to Randy Parraz of Citizens For A Better Arizona for publicizing it enough to bring it to the attention of Dave...

Apparently, the Pearce political machine in Mesa has decided that the lesson in Russell's embarrassing loss in last November's recall election isn't that a public official shouldn't be arrogant and bigoted.

Nope.  Apparently they think that stuff is OK, so long as you can dredge up a "smiley, happy" pic to slap on brightly-colored campaign flyers.

Like David before me, I'm loathe to publish the entire promotional flyer here (no need to give them free advertising), but a couple of pics from the flyer tell the whole story -


Cute baby, eh?  Pretty sure it isn't his - not enough tats






Nice kid-friendly color scheme.  Won't keep Russell from being the featured player in the nightmares of Arizona's children, but I suppose it was worth a shot

I mock, but if this gambit is even succeeds a little bit in rehabilitating Russell Pearce's image, look for similar moves. 

Like maybe campaign trail footwear like this -





Pic courtesy knittycrochety.blogspot.com








Still, if he goes for the fluffy bunny slippers as his campaign footwear, he'd best not wear them while he is sponging off hitting up NRA lobbyists for campaign contributions.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Mail call...

Came home to find this package in the mailbox today...



















"XXX"? 

Who sent me some kind of obscene gem in the mail?  (No fair enlarging the pic to read the return address :) )

Is it videos?  Magazines?  A journal of Rush Limbaugh's 2006 sex trip to the Dominican Republic?

What kind of the basest smut has entered my heretofore pristine household?

...Just the kind of thing that only Republicans would consider to be obscene...
























Guess what I get to wear to Saturday's special meeting of the Democratic State Committee?  You know, Saturday, March 17?  :))

Friday, November 04, 2011

Email spammers follow current events. Who knew?

Like most people, my email inbox receives at least a few dozen purely "spam" emails every day (to be fair, I probably receive a few more than average because my email address is on the sidebar of the blog).  Most of the time, I completely ignore them.

On those few occasions when I do take note of them, it's because of discordant, almost mutually exclusive, subjects of the subject headings of emails in close proximity to each other, like when there are messages promising to help me enlarge my breasts right after the ones hawking pills to help with penis enlargement.  Or when messages advertising Christian dating services are next to ones offering to help me find Mormon singles in my area while still others tout access to Jewish singles.

When looking at the subjects in my inbox, I wonder briefly who is more confused, the person(s) sending out the messages or the person(s) they work on.

After a quick chuckle, I delete them without reading the actual message.

On rare days however, one spam message come through that I just *have* to read...and today was one of those days.

From my email inbox, with the subject line "Greeting from Libyian Mamman Gaddafi Son's school friend." (copied and pasted - any typos or spelling or grammatical errors are the original writer's) -
Good day,


I am personal assistant to Mr. Seif al-Islam Gaddafi Son to Ex-President Mr.Muammar Gaddafi of Libya.

Because of the recent resolution by The International community for immediateseizure of the assets of the late president Mr. Muammar Gaddafi both in cashand properties around the world and Mr. Seif Al Islam Al Gaddafi been thechairman of Gaddafi International Charity and Development Foundation (GICDF) beenin a hideout have asked me to urgently look for an international investmentpartner to assist with moving and investment of $6.9 Million US Dollars whichis in cash and is stashed in a secure Finance house some where to be disclosedto you there after you shown interest.

This cash can be moved directly to you in your country on a good arrangementand once you receive it you will help us to safe guard it or invest the moneyin a lucrative business based on the instruction. Please note that this is avery confidential transaction and should not be mentioned to a third party. Wewill be willing to give you 20% of the total cash for your help in thistransaction. If you accept the offer we want things to be donesoonest because of time due to the instability in Libya at the moment. Pleaseif you agree to help, you should not worry about your safety as we havelogistics in place to move the cash to you, but will want to have your interestfirst and devotion to abide with us and maintain confidentiality over the wholetransaction for security reasons. No risk attached, the transaction will bebacked up with legal documents.

If this interest you, kindly send me the following details:

1. Your full name

2. Your telephone and mobile number

3. Your age

4. Your sex

5. Your occupations

6. Your full contact address including city, state and country

Awaiting your urgent response.

May God bless you as you assist my family?

Yours faithfully,

Mr.Ibrahim Abdulaziz..Reply to this email : [DELETED]
 
Yes, it's the Nigerian scam updated into a Libyan scam.

Anybody want to make a bet on how long it is before Jan Brewer, Russell Pearce, and the rest of the gang are the stars of their own spam?
Dearest Friend,

I am the cousin of the neighbor of the cleaning lady of the lawyer for the cellmate of Mr. Ex-Senate President Russell K. Pearce.  Because of the recent incarceration of Mr. Pearce and Ms. deposed Governor Jan Brewer, I have been contracted to move the treasury of Arizona, Mr. Pearce's priceless collection of toupees and many years of Fiesta Bowl swag, and a warehouse full of remainder copies of Ms. Brewer's book "Scorpions For Breakfast" to a safe location, .  We need the help of a few trusting trustworthy saps people for this move.  If you send us your money, your self respect, and your soul, we'll only take your money and self respect.
...You can write the rest.

:)

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Foreclosure Dave-speak 101: First lesson - what he says, what he means

Wednesday, the Federal Housing Finance Agency, Department of the Treasury, and the Department of Housing and Urban Development issued a joint press release requesting suggestions on how to best dispose of the large number (~250K) of foreclosed single-family homes that are currently owned by Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, and the Federal Housing Administration.

Based on the press release, while the preference is for them to be owned by families, they are leaning toward turning a significant portion of the portfolio of foreclosed properties into rentals.

Naturally, the Congressman from Arizona's 5th District, "Foreclosure Dave" Schweikert is all over this.

He issued a press release, and as a public service, I will translate what he wrote into what he actually means -
“Since arriving in Congress one of my top priorities has been finding ways to re-start help me and my business partners squeeze even more blood out of the stone that is the U.S. housing market. One of the biggest impediments to a housing recovery even more profits for me and my wealthy friends at Swartz and Brough is that the U.S. government, through Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, is holding more than 250,000 Real Estate Owned (REO) single family residences across the country. The continued inability failure to move these homes back into the marketplace into our possession has created significant uncertainty for the market our balance sheet, which has received little indication about when, how, and if these homes will ever be sold given to us.

“Today, the Federal Housing Finance Agency (FHFA), which oversees Fannie and Freddie, issued a Request for Information (RFI) to solicit ideas about how to dispose of these transfer the REO properties to me and my friends.

“Moving these properties off the government’s books and back into the market-place onto mine is an important step in creating velocity in the housing market a stable source of profit for me and mine by removing uncertainty about the fate of these homes. If priced at an appropriate discount subsidized for well-connected profiteers, these homes will be a unique opportunity for first time home buyers to enter the market at competitive prices to transfer most of their life savings to me and mine.

“Arizona is home to many real estate entrepreneurs profiteers and I welcome thoughts and feedback on ways to move these homes to reduce taxpayer risk me and mine and ensure this program is implemented properly, you know, with taxpayer subsidies for wealthy people.

“As part of the Republican jobs personal wealth acquisition at taxpayer expense agenda, this one technical correction that I am happy to be involved with and many Arizonans will be encouraged to see told that they can kiss my butt if they don't like it.”
Later...

Thursday, July 28, 2011

PSA time: Haboobs

Much has been made of the rise of the use of the word "haboob" to describe certain recent dust storms in the Valley (see recent letters to the editor).

While some people are offended by the Arabic origin of the word and some others because the word reminds them of a female body part, I believe the word is here to stay.

If only because TV weather reporters can't say "big ass dust storm" on the air.  :)

As such, as a public service, I've taken it upon myself to lend a little insight into the various types of haboobs (and here you were, thinking there was just one :) ).

Like hurricanes and tornadoes, also weather phenomena marked by high winds, haboobs are differentiated by level.  While the force scales for tornadoes and hurricanes have numerals in them, the haboob scale is made up only of letters.

Level A - the haboob barely rises above surface level.  However, the appearance of even small haboobs have been known to distract drivers and cause fender benders, and they should be handled with the care and appreciation they deserve.

Level B - possibly the most common haboob, they rise more than 1 kilometer above the surface.  Most drivers are comfortable with them and handle them with ease.  Like the "A" haboobs however, they can be distractions have been known to cause accidents when spotted by drivers.

Level C - now we are getting into noteworthy territory.  Cs rise more than 2 km above the surface and have been known to cause medium-sized traffic snarls and marital discord because of drivers ogling them taking their eyes of the road.  Inexperienced drivers are usually the most vulnerable to these.

Level D - now entering "this could be dangerous to everyone" territory.  D-level haboobs rise more than 3 km above the surface.  Young drivers have been known to become slack-jawed and glassy-eyed when spying one or more D-level haboobs.  Even experienced drivers have, on occasion,  totally lost focus on their lives, often losing their homes and families because of them.  Appreciated by most, but most appreciated by divorce lawyers because they frequently lead to lucrative retainers.

Level DD - Rising more than 4 km above the surface, DD haboobs are much like Category 5 hurricanes and EF5 tornadoes.  Experienced drivers are the slack-jawed and glassy-eyed ones while young drivers simply go blind to all else around them.  When these make their presence known, lives are damaged to the extent that attempting to rebuild isn't advised.  Just call in the bulldozers/bankruptcy attorneys and start from scratch, because there won't be enough left to build a dog house, much less something to house a family.  On the other hand, these usually lead to being disowned by the family anyway.

Above DD - these have rarely been known to occur naturally.  Instead, in general, they are created by the artificial infusion of a saline or silicone factor.  While still rare, they are most often spotted in isolated areas in the Valley - near strip clubs, Charlie Sheen, famous athletes, infamous politicians and north Scottsdale.  Paradoxically, these do NOT cause the same traffic problems as the other haboobs - mostly because they are usually whirling around poles in clubs or are in the backs of limousines behind tinted glass.

...And so ends this non-political PSA, perhaps mildly crass and crude, and I hope, a little funny.  And even if one doesn't find it funny, I hope one appreciates that this is what one gets when people start whining about words like "haboob."

Keep whining about it, and I may just keep writing about it.  :)

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Legislative leaders rat-hunting at the Capitol

...unfortunately, they're only going after the four-legged variety, and then only because they can't stand the competition...

From the Arizona Republic, written by Mary Jo Pitzl -

The state Capitol has seen a surge of rats and mice in recent weeks.

Nothing new, you say? We're talking the four-footed kind.

The House of Representatives, the Senate and the executive tower where the governor works have been magnets for the little (and not-so-little) rodents, who have been reported scurrying across floors and nibbling on food left on office desks.
I admit it, I'm not too proud to go after an obvious punch line.  As if you couldn't tell that already.  :)

Monday, May 09, 2011

Anybody up for a game of "Guess the ghostwriter"?

...Anybody have a list of Chuck Coughlin's interns?

From Jeremy Duda and Jim Small of the Arizona Capitol Times -
The spotlight that enveloped Gov. Jan Brewer after she signed the nation’s toughest illegal immigration law is expanding into the publishing world.


On November 1, Broadside Books, an imprint of HarperCollins, will release “Scorpions for Breakfast: My Fight Against Special Interests, Liberal Media, and Cynical Politicos to Secure America’s Border” The 208-page book is already available for pre-order on Amazon.com.
Lest you think the title of this post is a shot a Jan Brewer, an implication that she couldn't possibly write this on her own because of a lack of intelligence - it isn't.  The simple fact is that most public figures, political or not, don't have the time or skill necessary to write a book, even one as short as Brewer's.

Nope, the title of this post is a shot at the absolute clunkiness of the title of her book.  My guess is that a professional writer wasn't brought in, because no pro, or even a good amateur, would have come up with a title that long and awkward.

Personally, I'd have gone with "'Headless Bodies and Brain Freezes -  Profiles In Terrorizing Voters', By Governor Jan 'We Has Did' Brewer".

Of course, I'm just a wiseass Democrat.  :)

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Ben Quayle fails geography

Ya know, you'd think that when his father opened up his rolodex of names of competent political campaign staffers to help his son buy his way into Congress, he'd have given his son a name (or two or three) of a competent office staffer, too.

However, based on today's news, you'd think wrong.

From the Arizona Guardian (story is behind subscription paywall, so the link is to the general site):
Congressman Ben Quayle's always been accused of being a carpetbagger of sorts but the GA's thinking this is getting a bit out of hand. It seems Congress' most famous son of an ex-vice president doesn’t even know where he serves these days. It appears that Quayle thinks he works for the good people of Illinois' sixth congressional district and actually wants to nominate the kids there to one if the country's military academies. That's right, according to Quayle's congressional website he says, "I may nominate applicants who are legally domiciled within the boundaries of the sixth District of Illinois."




















Well, there's a silver lining in all this for Quayle - right now, his nicknames tend to be potato-based ("li'l spud", "potatoe chip", etc.) but those are based on something his father did, not that he did himself (hmmmm...sounds a LOT like his political career... :) ).

With this, perhaps for the first time in his life, he's earned something completely on his own.

Hereafter (or at least until his next embarrassing screwup) let Ben Quayle be known to all as

Rep. Ben Quayle (R-copy and paste).

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

What's the difference between the Tea Party and a black hole?

One is incredibly dense and sucks all of the light and energy from a collapsing stars and other things around them, and the other is an astonomical phenomenon.  :)

First, today's politics lesson from Republican House Speaker John Boehner, courtesy ABC News' George Stephanopoulos -

Speaker of the House John Boehner said he is in lockstep with the Tea Party on budget negotiations despite claims from Democrats that there could be a deal if only he could buck the Tea Party.


“Listen, there’s no daylight between the Tea Party and me,” Boehner told me today during our exclusive interview.
Now, today's science lesson, courtesy NationalGeographic.com -
Black holes are the cold remnants of former stars, so dense that no matter—not even light—is able to escape their powerful gravitational pull.


While most stars end up as white dwarfs or neutron stars, black holes are the last evolutionary stage in the lifetimes of enormous stars that had been at least 10 or 15 times as massive as our own sun.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Joke of the day: A unionized public employee, a teabagger, and a CEO are seated at a table...

In honor of the public employees in Wisconsin, and everywhere, who are standing strong against the unrelenting attacks on public servants and public servants from Republicans, tea party types, and corporatists.

Stolen from a Facebook friend, who stole it from somebody else.  I have no idea who the originator is, but that person deserves some serious wiseass points. :)
A unionized public employee, a Tea Bagger, and a CEO are seated at a table. In the center of the table is a plate holding a dozen cookies. The CEO reaches across and takes eleven cookies. He looks at the Tea Bagger and says, "Watch out for that union guy, he's going to want part of your cookie".

On a related note, evidently the police in Wisconsin understand that people cannot be arrested simply on the whim of an elected official.  A law has to be broken first.

 
From AP via Yahoo! News -
Police allow protesters to remain at Wis. Capitol


The occupation of the Wisconsin Capitol by protesters fighting efforts to strip public workers of union bargaining rights carried on Sunday after police decided not to forcibly remove demonstrators and end a nearly two-week-long sit-in.


{snip}

Wisconsin Capitol Police Chief Charles Tubbs said demonstrators who had occupied all three floors of the Capitol would have to relocate to the ground floor overnight. Anyone who left the building was barred from returning until Monday morning, although police did allow union officials to bring food into the building for the protesters.


No demonstrators would be arrested as long as they continue to obey the law, Tubbs said. By late evening, the air smelled of pizza and lemon-scented disinfectant as demonstrators quietly ate dinner and several janitors worked around them to clean the Capitol's marble floors.

"People here have acted lawfully and responsibly," Tubbs said. "There's no reason to consider arrests."
Later...

Thursday, February 24, 2011

UFO and tea party conventions in metro Phoenix this weekend: Coincidence?

Arizona's wingnuts are going to spend the weekend trying to be in two places at one time this weekend.

- Beginning yesterday at the Ft. McDowell Casino and Resort just outside of Fountain Hills and extending through the weekend, the 2011 International UFO Congress is taking place.  Full brochure here.

- Beginning tomorrow at the Phoenix Convention Center in downtown Phoenix and extending through the weekend, the Tea Party Patriots will be holding their "American Policy Summit."

No word on where confabs' lists of attendees and speakers will overlap (Fife Symington?  Karen Johnson?), though it should be noted that Joe Arpaio is listed on the tea party folks' website, while he *lives* in Fountain Hills, a mere few miles from the Ft. McDowell Casino.

Jus' sayin'....

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Take Two Aspirin And...: The Doctor Is In...

WebMD doesn't  have info on your ailment?  Not enough time or insurance coverage for a visit to a flesh and blood doctor?  No problem.

Dr. R. Musings is here for you with the AZBlogRadioM.D. radio show.  The phones are now open.

...The first caller is Dave from Fountain Hills. 

Dr. Musings: Hi Dave, what are your symptoms?

Dave from Fountain Hills: Doctor, I've got this stiff neck and a headache, and I'm having trouble sleeping.

Dr. Musings:  OK, Dave.  What have you been doing recently?

Dave:  Well, recently I've been sleeping in my office at work...

Dr. Musings:  If you've been sleeping on a couch, that could certainly contribute to your symptoms.

Dave:  At first, I thought that too, but I've been doing that since the beginning of the year and the problem just popped up this week.

Dr. Musings:  Hmmm.  What has happened this week?

Dave: Well, this meddlesome watchdog group has been calling for an investigation of my sleeping arrangements and wants me to pay taxes on the benefit I am receiving from the use of my office as a hotel room.

Dr. Musings:  Stress from that could certainly contribute to your symptoms.

Dave:  I thought that too, but I've been planning to sleep in my office since even before I was in the office and am kind of immune to the objections of the little people, and anyway, let's face facts - I'm a Republicans, so the rules don't apply to me anyway.

Dr. Musings:  OK, so what else did you do this week?

Dave: Well, on Thursday, I was at the White House having my picture taken with the President as he signed a bill naming a new federal courthouse after Judge John Roll, one of the victims of the mass shooting in Tucson in early January.  It was funded by economic stimulus funds.

Dr. Musings: Uh-huh....

Dave: After that, I went back to my hotel room...errrrr...*office* and pumped out a press release, criticizing the stimulus package as a complete failure...

Dr. Musings: Stop right there.  It's obvious that you are suffering from a strong case of whiplash.  Take two aspirin, wear a foam neck collar, and for at least the next four weeks, no twisting yourself like a pretzel to pat yourself on the back while stabbing public employees, women, and poor people in the back.

Dave: I'll have nothing to do for a whole month?!? [muffled cursing]  Doctor, that will put a serious crimp in my fundraising for the 2012 election cycle.

Dr. Musings:  I know it will be difficult, but better that than getting so twisted up you need surgery.

Dave:  Surgery?!?!?

Dr. Musings:  Cranio-rectal dislodgement surgery.

Dave:  What?  Would that really be necessary?

Dr. Musings:  Well, to be honest, that's only a recommendation, not a necessity.  Many of your colleagues live long and profitable, though not very productive, lives with their craniums firmly lodged in their rectums.  The condition makes driving more difficult, but as an Arizona driver, nobody will notice any thing out of the norm.

Dave:  Whew!  My lobbyists....errr....constituents need me to be at full speed.  Thank you Doctor!  I don't know what I'd do without you.    Tell you what, I'm going propose a bill declaring that we replace that socialist Medicare program with cards with your phone number on them.  Anyway, thanks again Doc!  Gotta go foreclose on....errrr...."meet with" a constituent.

Dr. Musings: Umm, OK Dave.  Glad to help.  Next caller.  Jack from Surprise, are you there?

Jack from Surprise: Doctor, I've been experiencing this stinging sensation on the top of my head since Tuesday.

Dr. Musings:  What happened on Tuesday?

Jack:  One of my strike-everything amendments was heard in committee in the Arizona House of Representatives.

Dr. Musings:  Oh?  How did that go?

Jack:  Not well, Doctor.  It was this harmless little idea to mess with Indian tribes to keep them from opening a casino near my district while messing with cities and towns' state-shared revenue, and NOBODY supported it.  Industry opposed it, the Center for Arizona Theocracy Policy opposed it, the Attorney General opposed it, members of the committee picked on me, even the committee chair, my seatmate, opposed it.  Even some uppity wiseass blogger from Scottsdale opposed it.  It was unanimously voted down.  That NEVER happens.  I'm so embarrassed, Doctor.  It's as if even my fellow crazy Republicans think that I'm too crazy for the legislature.

Dr. Musings:  Jack, you are clearly suffering from the after effects of a total smackdown.

Jack: Oh.  What do I do for that, Doctor?

Dr. Musings: Take two aspirin.  After that, pull out a jar of peanut butter, at least 16 ounces, and a full box of saltine crackers, and eat them.  Don't drink anything while you are doing this.

Jack:  But...but...but, Doctor, if I do that, I won't be able to speak!

Dr. Musings:  That's kind of the point Jack.  Thank you for your call.  Next caller, you're up.  Ron from Lake Havasu, are you there?

Ron from Lake Havasu:  Hi Doctor Musings.  Yes, I am.

Dr. Musings:  How can I help you today, Ron?

Ron:  Well Doctor, for the last few weeks, I've had this burning sensation in my throat and a rumbling sensation in my stomach.

Dr. Musings:  What's been going on in your life for the last few weeks?

Ron:  It started when I tried to ram through a couple of anti-birthright citizenship bills in my own committee.  The bills are part of my plan to rid the country of those sneaky children who were born here but whose parents were not.  My committee, my own freakin' committee!, heard nearly 90 minutes worth of testimony from some ringer I had schlepped in for just this occasion, but then I had to pull the bills before a vote because I was stabbed in the back by some of my own fellow Republicans.  They were so worried about looking bad over attacking children that they wimped out, citing Constitutional concerns.  ARRGGGHHH!

Dr. Musings:  Go on, Ron.

Ron:  Then this past week, I got screwed over twice.  First I couldn't get another anti-immigrant bill through my committee, one that would turn hospitals into immigration checkpoints, and had to pull that one too.  The next day, my "birther" bill, which would have required presidential candidates to produce paperwork that doesn't even exist for most of them, was actually defeated but traitorous Republicans and and wussy Democrats who were more concerned with not violating the U.S. Constitution than with keeping a black man out of the White House.

Dr. Musings: Hmmm....  OK Ron.  It seems as if you are suffering from a severe case of ego-initiated acid indigestion, brought on by abject failure.

Ron:  Sounds bad, Doc.  What is the treatment?

Dr. Musings: Take two aspirin, drink a bottle of Pepto, and try again.  There's no salve for failure that's more effective than success.

Ron:  Doc, I can do that.  On Tuesday, Senate Appropriations will meet and consider my bills.  For good measure, there are going to be a LOT more bad bills on the agenda, just to serve as a warning to backsliders - no more wimpy protestations about "the Constitution" or other crap.  Wonder if they'll let me fly my Confederate flag over the Capitol on Tuesday...

Dr. Musings:  On that rather bizarre note, we are out of time and have to go for now.  Thank you callers.  Thank you listeners.  Tune into our next show where we interview a follicly-challenged Senate President about treatments for male pattern baldness.

Talk to you all next week!  Dr. R. Musings, for AZBlogRadioM.D., signing out.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

John McCain hired by The Daily Show*

*OK, not really, but they did introduce a puppet that is so incredibly life-like it could be a clone...

Tedski at Rum, Romanism, and Rebellion already has this, but it's too funny not to post it here, too.





















Photo courtesy TPM.

From the accompanying article, which includes video -
After the 112th Congress convened yesterday, Jon Stewart celebrated his pick for the Senate's grumpiest member: Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)


"McCain's old-man crankiness has gone off the charts," Stewart said last night. "On the scale, he's clearly gone from a man of wisdom all the way to full Gran Torino."
By the way, no matter what some may think, that's not a rude gesture in the pic.  Jon Stewart asked McCain/the puppet how many homes he has.  It's not the right answer, but at least it's better than his previous answer of "I don't know".

Friday, December 31, 2010

Arizona: Finally #1, I think...

While we are the worst, or one of the worst, states in terms of our support for education (depending what metric is used), and are near the bottom in many other areas - poverty, children without health insurance, percentage of Arizonans who are incarcerated (where a higher number is bad), etc. - as far as a can tell, we are number one in one area.

We seem to be the first state with a lawsuit over 2012 redistricting!!  We beat even Texas*!!  Whoooo hooooo!!!!

{Wiping away tears of joy} I'm so proud...


* = To be fair to Texas, they're still cleaning up after the last redistricting process.  I'm sure once they can focus on the present, they'll be back hard at work, screwing up their future.

Friday, November 05, 2010

Over/Under

I'm not a betting man, and I'm most definitely not a bookie, but there are a few things that are all but certain to happen in the near future.  The only real question is "how much?", "how many?" or "when?".

The following is for entertainment purposes only - no betting allowed.

...Percentage of the new Republican members of Congress who survive redistricting to win a second term?  75 percent.

...Percentage of the new Republican members of Congress who will face an investigation, indictment or an outright perp walk by the end of a second term?  15 percent (hey, when you elect a bunch of people who thing public service is a dirty, even contemptible, business, many will use that belief to rationalize being dirty and contemptible themselves).

...How long before failed tea party Senate candidate Christine "I am not a witch" O'Donnell appears on "Dancing With The Stars"?  1.5 years.

...How long before "Tea Party Senate President-Elect Russell Pearce" changes the dress code at the Capitol to require members of the Senate to wear sheets and hoods during floor sessions and committee hearings?  2 weeks into the session.

...How long before failed tea party Senate candidate Christine "I am not a witch" O'Donnell receives an offer to appear in the pages of Playboy?  2.5 years.

...How long before Jan Brewer, citing health concerns, resigns from office, leaving Ken Bennett as Arizona's governor?  3 years.

...How long before failed tea party Senate candidate Christine "I am not a witch" O'Donnell *accepts* the offer to appear in the pages of Playboy?  3.5 years.

...How long before there is a widespread grassroots movement supporting a new law to requre registration and licencing of broomsticks3.01 years.

...How long before Russell Pearce bursts out in laughter before killing any bill creating such a law and muttering something about the free market taking care of the problem by offering access to petroleum jelly for those who can pay?  3.02 years.


Anybody want to add their own?