Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Top Secret!

Know the definition of "good" satire? 

You read it and think "this could really be true."

This is VERY good.

By Brent Abrahamson, of The Massachusetts Observer.  Gratefully reprinted with permission.

For Your Eyes Only

Gentlemen, thank you for joining me here today. For obvious reasons, I must ask that no notes of any kind be taken during our discussions. Recording devices of any kind are prohibited. Before you leave, you will pass through a scanner to ascertain that you have complied with our requests. Cell phones, of course, were to have been left outside this boardroom. Any questions before we begin? Good.

Now, Gentlemen, we know the problem. Our laboring class only has a certain number of productive years. Beyond that, they become a burden. As we plan for the future, we must capitalize on labor’s productive years while reducing each laborer’s longevity. Only then can we realize the maximum profits our shareholders demand.

Fortunately, we have greatly improved the landscape with our Tea Party promotions. This was a brilliant idea. Through strategic financing we have created what appears to be a grass roots movement from among the laboring class itself. There has been some minor vocal opposition, but this can be handled. Our advertizing folks tell us that just a bit of tweaking will make the Tea Partiers emerge as the voices of reason, the voices of morality, the voices of fiscal restraint, and the voices of patriotism. This is perfect.

It is therefore imperative, Gentlemen, that every proposal have those four elements. Each proposal must be seen as being reasonable, moral, fiscally responsible, and patriotic. And from our point of view, Gentlemen, each proposal must raise labor’s productivity while reducing labor’s longevity. When Wall Street teams up with Madison Avenue, nothing is impossible.

Here’s an example. Think tobacco. Think smoking. We need to reverse our policies here. We know, Gentlemen, that cigarette smoking can reduce the lifespan of the participant; yet public money is spent trying to get people to quit smoking. This works at cross-purposes with our goal, Gentlemen. The good news is that we can reverse this.

First, we must drop all taxes on cigarettes and other tobacco products. This will be seen as a victory for freedom. Then we must subsidize our tobacco industry so that buying a pack of cigarettes will be possible for even the poorest laborer. We must eliminate any age restriction on its purchase and use. And, Gentlemen, we must repeal restrictions on where the product may be used. It must be welcomed in restaurants and bars and clubs. Faculty rooms, break rooms. Anywhere people gather. Now some of you Gentlemen may be objecting that you might be subject to this second-hand smoke. Think about it for a moment, Gentlemen. You aren’t going to be going to those places and the places that you do frequent are out of labor’s price range.

We must allow for free enterprise by removing all restrictions on advertising cigarettes. Smoking must be “sold” in a variety of ways. It’s fun. It’s sexy. It’s macho. It’s for the modern woman. Above all, it is patriotic. Americans will be supporting an American industry.

People who are anti-smoking are anti-American. No public funds may be expended to determine health effects because we have already settled the case. Smoking is American. It’s cheap. It’s a way to help your country while helping yourself.

Don’t you see, Gentlemen, how perfect this is? When we couple this with no access to real health care, we can’t lose. (note: We need to allow free access to euthanasia. We must sell this option as “patriotic” and as a “family value.” “Lingering on robs your kids”).

This is only one example of so much more we can do, Gentlemen. I hope you great thinkers will get things rolling. The time to strike is now. Here’s a toast, Gentlemen. Long live our class.

©2011 The Massachusetts Observer

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