Thursday, January 01, 2009

Predictions for 2009

Kevin at Exurban League did one of these, and inspired something of a counter-post...then I found a similarly-themed post by Eli Blake at Deep Thought that was a lot funnier than Kevin's or mine...

...What with fines for license plate frames and the transformation of I-10 and the rest of the state's freeways into one massive photo enforcement zone, the Arizona Department of Public Safety will change its name to the "Arizona Department of Revenue Enhancement."

...The newly-emboldened Republicans in the Arizona legislature will seek to cure the state's revenue shortfall by cutting revenue...oh wait...Sen. Jack Harper (R-Surprise!) has already proposed doing just about...

...Harper's scheme passes the lege, but soon-to-be governor Jan Brewer ticks off the Club for Growth/Goldwater Institute wing of her party by merely thinking about vetoing the proposal, saying "Yes, I want your support when I run for state Governor in 2010, but I want there to be a state left to govern if I actually win. I have to think about this."

...Comedians are *really* going to miss George W. Bush. They're going to have to start writing their own material again.

...Scottsdale's wags, who have been stridently opposed to allowing a light rail line within sight of Scottsdale, much less *in* Scottsdale (the "West's Most Western City"), will see the crowds of people spending money in businesses near the light rail route in Mesa, Tempe, and Phoenix while Scottsdale's sale tax revenue continues to plummet.

Then they'll mutter something about the railroads being a vital part of the Old West's character and start making plans for a spur right up the middle of Scottsdale Road.

...State Sen.-elect Russell Pearce will find out that there is a place right next to AZ called "New Mexico" and that there is traffic across the border between there and AZ on a daily basis. He will then call for the deployment of the AZ National Guard there to stanch the flow of green chiles into the state. When informed that New Mexico is a state, and that it has been a state even longer than Arizona has been a state, Pearce will reply "New or Old, it doesn't matter. If the federal government won't do its job and protect the sovereignty of our cuisine, we're going to have to do it ourselves."

...Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio will hear that, nod his head, and deploy his volunteer Brown Shirts Posse to the easternmost reaches of Maricopa County. Upon discovering that there are no TV cameras there, he will send 200 of his deputies and some armored vehicles into Mesa to conduct raids upon some small, locally-owned restaurants (i.e. - the kind that don't have corporate legal departments backing them up), searching for suspected non-native Arizona chiles.

...There will be a proposal to rename the Maricopa County Board of Supervisors as "The Montagues" and the offices of the County Attorney and County Sheriff as "The Capulets."

After some discussion of how most products of Arizona's chronically underfunded education system won't understand the Shakespearean reference, the County will settle on the names "The Crips" and "The Bloods."

...In a related note, the actual Crips and Bloods will sue, saying that the County is infringing on their trademarks, and doing so in a way that diminishes them. From a press release from the lawyers handling the case, Wolfram and Hart -

"While our clients are known for...unjustly of course... known for narcotics, murder, assaults, robberies, vice and worse, but that's still better than the raging bigotry, rampant corruption, petty backbiting, and the complete unprofessionalism of the elected officials in Maricopa County."

...On that day in December when the Phoenix temps inevitably journey below 70 degrees Fahrenheit, the state's Republicans will proclaim that global warming is a hoax...oh wait, they already do that on any day ending in "-y."

...Those same Reps will be vacationing at their mountain lodges or in air-conditioned resorts in July when that same Phoenix temp hits 120 in the shade.

...Of course, any AZ Reps who do acknowledge the reality of climate change will blame it on some combination of Barack Obama, Janet Napolitano, gay people who want to get married, undocumented immigrants, and union workers.

...That same combination will also take the blame for the bursting AZ's real estate bubble, lightning strikes during the monsoon season, male pattern baldness, simple chronic halitosis, and pretty much everything else that the Reps don't like and/or don't want to take responsibility for.

...The Cardinals will lose in the NFL playoffs to a team that can run the ball, and the Bidwills will respond in the offseason by firing Ken Whisenhunt and hiring 84-year old Don Coryell to pump up Arizona's passing attack.

...And in a year, some wiseass blogger will sit down and do this again.



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