Monday, December 15, 2008

Bush fields complaint in Iraq

photo courtesy

At a Bush press conference in Iraq, an Iraqi journalist threw shoes at the President. Many news sources (like the BBC here) have reported that this act, throwing shoes at someone who is the target of your ire, as the vilest insult in the Arab culture.

In fact, those news sources are reporting that the journalist threw his shoes while shouting "this is a farewell kiss, you dog!"

That is incorrect. Using a technologically cutting-edge apparatus to download the audio track of the video recording of the incident (OK, a string with one end tied to the speakers of my computer and the other end to a can placed over a battery-powered tape recorder).

The audio track was then digitally analyzed utilizing hyper-secret proprietary methodology (ok, the recorder was sandblasted with aluminum powder and beads while playing the audio track at full volume.)

Then the powder and beads were uploaded into a low power handheld translator matrix (OK, an Etch-A-Sketch).

After a careful and detailed study of the output of the translator matrix (OK, fiddled with the knobs after drinking three Red Bull and vodkas), it was discovered that the journalist was actually shouting the following -

"My wife went to New York and spent 50 dollars - 50 dollars! - on these Manolo Blahniks and it turns out that they were just cheap knockoffs! Here Mr. President, look at this heel falling off already, and the dye in the leather started running the first time they got wet. Oh wait, you missed that one. Here's the other..."


I mean, an Iraqi couldn't be pissed off because Bush ordered the invasion, occupation, and decimation of his country and fellow Iraqis.


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